Straight but not narrow

Getting to know you....getting to know all about you....

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 21:35:50 GMT

In the past I have primarily used this blog to rant, fairly anonymously. But in the New Year, I'm planning on getting my website up (who isn't planning a website, really) and I hope to link to a blog also, so we'll see. Anyway, ganked from Kass:

1. First Name: Julie or Margaret, depending on the day of the week

2. Age: 40, just turned

3. Location: Las Vegas, NV

4. Occupation: Domestic goddess (housewife, mother & teaching 7th grade home school), also an SCA Laurel and slightly above novice-level herald

5. Partner: Jim - married for 18 years this coming March. Love of my life, met him when I was only 18 my freshman year of college, he's been active duty in the Air Force for 15 years, currently a Section Chief for the USAF Thunderbirds

6. Kids: one son, 12, very obnoxious, sarcastic & well-read, adores Monty Python. I wanted more children, but my junk is broken. I had very strong feelings about fertility drugs and the like and so we never pursued other options. I had all the tests I could, but they could never figure out why I wasn't getting pregnant. Last year, OF COURSE, when I had given up and decided it was too late to get pregnant, they discovered during an attempt at an endometrial biopsy the mild mechanical deformity that was probably preventing conception (apparently, me getting pregnant the first time was something short of miraculous). It figures. Surgery could fix it, but I'm 40 now. Statistically, I don't want to risk having a child with health or developmental problems. So I deal with it. My hormones are relentless and I find myself randomly angry at pregnant women and crying at baby shoes in Wal-Mart.

7. Brothers/Sisters: I have an older sister who pays claims for a large health insurance company and an older brother who does something with computers...currently in Singapore. I have a half-sister that I didn't know about until I was 21 (my father had an affair before I was born) - it is very complex and painful, I have tried to get to know her but she grew up in a very uptight atmosphere and is very prejudiced about many things, we have a strange strained relationship

8. Parents: My mom retired almost 10 years ago from a large international oil company where she was an executive secretary for many years. My dad, who is also retired, thinks he's Grizzly Adams and lives in a house he built in the woods. So far in the woods that the local EMT service has a hand-drawn map of how to get down to his house. Seriously. My parents divorced the same year I got married, after 32 years of marriage.

9. Pets: I have an almost 9 year old 1/4 Rottweiler & some-other-stuff mutt named Sophie, a 5 year old long-haired white greyhound named Jamie and two 3 year old Japanese Chins named Hana and Yoshi. We have a California King Snake named Norbert, two Ball Pythons named Johnny and June and two red-eared sliders (aquatic turtles) named Armand and Master Yoda. Master Yoda and Norbert are the only critters that were purchased, all the rest are rescue animals.

10. List the 3-5 biggest things going on in your life:

A. We are moving to Dover, Delaware next August. I am wildly excited about it. I have never lived on the East Coast and I am thrilled about it - so close to so MANY cool things! Cyber friends I finally get to meet! Four WHOLE seasons each year!

B. Home-schooling. We've been very unhappy with the schools here and last summer decided to give them a pass. It's been a very rewarding, enriching and frustrating experience thus far. My son is doing well with the format we are using and is getting better grades than he has in years. He is also a twelve year old boy, which means I have consistent periods of time each day during lessons when I have to go in the bathroom, do some deep breathing and convince myself that killing him with an axe would be BAD.

C. Struggles with weight loss and some mild health issues. I lost 50 lbs on Weight Watchers in 2007 and kept it off until the beginning of this year. I was also put on birthcontrol pills last year to help control my hormones (possible early menopause - yay!) and on Zoloft to help regulate the vicious PMDD that I've developed in the last year (my husband prefers I not kill him, strangely). Something in the combo of meds changed something in my brain and de-railed my good set routine of almost two years and I put 30 lbs back on. I don't need to lose the weight for looks, but for health and I am trying to find a new way to do this without making myself crazier.

D. My fetal website and Scottish costuming research - I attempt to recreate 1570's Lowlands Scotland. Costume of this place and period is very under-researched. I'm working on a number of avenues and hope, eventually, to earn a research grant for some specific things I want to study in Scotland. I am all but computer illiterate but a close friend assures me in the new year she will wave her magic HTML wand and help me get all my pages and pages of weirdness online, for the betterment of others (snort).

E. Going back to grey! Soon, soon! I can cut all this crap off and go back to my very natural almost 75% grey. Going grey early is a family trait. I was 'au natural' until Hallowe'een 2008 when I foolishly dyed my hair, with permanent dye. Realising the error of my ways almost instantaneously, I have since been touching it up with semi-permanent dye against the day when the permanent crap grows out and I can stop dying. My hair grows very fast and to avoid looking really tacky, I have to touch it up every two weeks. Which I hate. I recently had about 6" cut off and based on the last time I stripped the color - my grey is about even with my ears, so I'm hoping to have the rest of the dyed mess lopped off soon. I don't do well with my hair too short, so I don't want to go much beyond a chin-length bob.

Our SCA memberships are turning 21

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 22:40:37 GMT

So, I guess that means they can legally drink now in the 50 states.

I've been giving that a lot of thought lately, what the SCA has really meant to me.

The biggest thing I think, was meeting my husband - maybe a month after joining. Of course, I didn't know then what he would eventually mean in my life. In fact, the first time we met we had an argument and had quite a few after that. We knew each other for almost two years before it ever occurred to us to date, but that's a story for another time.

But through the years I have made so many friends. Friends so good that I consider them an extended family. Which means a lot to us with all the military moves we've made in the last 14 years. Everywhere we've gone, stateside and overseas, the SCA was there, with insta-friends that liked the same things we did, that welcomed us immediately into their homes and into their lives. And now that we face another move in the next twelve months - I fully expect the same kind of friendly reception - after all these years, how could I not?

We have made the kind of friends that sat through the night with me and with Jim - all through that long weekend that I tried to give birth, had a c-section and then had to stay in the hospital. They visited and called, brought us food and love and support.

The kind of friends that had us over for Christmas dinner, when they'd known us for about a week and we were still shell-shocked from having just arrived in England.

We have made the kind of friends that we can trust our child with - when what was supposed to be an outpatient surgery turned into a nearly three day hospital stay.

We have made the kind of friends that though most of them have never met any of my blood family - know their names, their illnesses, their ages and where they live - and keep track and ask about them.

The kind of friends who stay friends even when we leave and move somewhere else. Those are the truest friends, I think. That you don't see for years, but still want to know what's going on in your life, how tall your child is and want to share the good and bad with you still, even from a distance.

Outsiders can be confused sometimes about the SCA. Yes - it is, in fact, a collection of geeks and misfits, weirdos who dress funny and hit each other with sticks, and the socially inept who aren't accepted anywhere else - but we all feel a fellowship, a joy and sometimes obsession with our hobby that makes us welcome fellow members, even if they are strangers, in from the cold to sit by our fires and share our food.

It is true that I have developed an entirely strange skill set. The kind of skill set...that...well...is kind of hard to quantify. But I'm happy to say that if modern conveniences went away tomorrow, we'd survive. I'd be grumpy and scared and desperately needing a hot shower - but we'd be able to eat, preserve food, make clothes, have shelter, you name it. Jim, of course, could defend us with his arsenal of armor and baseball-bat-like weapons (grin). Plus, I can happily enter any State Fair in the United States with some of my weird craft skills ( another grin).

Who knew that on those afternoons when I came home from half-day kindergarten and drove my mother insane and she sat me on phonebooks at the sewing machine and taught me to use it to keep me busy (yes - I've been sewing longer than some of you whippersnappers out there have BEEN ALIVE - I'll be 40 this year if you are counting - thanks) and all my Barbies had the most elaborate historical costumes I could make for them, that it would lead to a life-long obsession with needlecrafts and historical research.

I am lucky enough to have family, close family that I love so much and keep in touch with. I have the kind of family that if I called tonight to say I had a body stuffed in the trunk of my car - they'd be on the next plane out, having already googled the rental place for the chipper shredder, the nearest pig farm and ordered the quick lime. So I am lucky enough not to have needed the SCA to replace family - I've got a great one. But the SCA is definitely my extended family. My family away from family, if you will.

And I've watched my SCA family raise god only knows how much money for various charities in the last 21 years. Raise money for SCA brothers and sisters who had accidents, surgeries, deaths,suffered natural disasters - it didn't matter whether they knew them or not - somebody put the call out and they were there. With casseroles, clean clothes, replacement armor, money, rides, furniture - you name it.

This has been pretty much my only hobby since the month before I turned 19 and I have to say, other than a few times when I spent money I didn't really have to go to an event I just _had_ to be at (grin), I have very few regrets. And I don't think that is too damn bad for the last 21 years.

So thanks. All of you. For friends I have, friends that I see and friends that I don't get to see that often and friends that I haven't made yet but that I know are out there. I have now been doing this for over half my life and I will happily do it for another 21 years.

Life, the Universe, Caloric content. . . .

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 07:20:29 GMT

So we went to the roller derby here in Vegas Saturday night. A fun time is always had. It is hard-core home-town roller derby, on a flat track, as skated by some sincerely tough girls who have day jobs and don't get paid for it. The people watching is not bad either. My favorite were the two dudes who were very ostentatiously wearing Utili-kilts, but both had paired them with really cheap, crappy shoes. One with Wal-mart offbrand Birkenstocks, the other with Wal-mart offbrand faux Teva sandals. And of course, as with most people who choose to expose their feet publicly, their feet were icky. Had they paid so much for the Utili-kilts that they a) couldn't afford a pumice stone, nor soap and water nor b) decent shoes? It was a mystery.

Afterwards, we went down to the Fremont Street 'Experience' to watch the freak parade. I mean people watch. Whatever. Living in Vegas as we do, we really don't get down to the Strip that much just to hang out. And this leads me to my main question: why the frack do people bring their small children to Vegas on vacation? Seriously! I just don't get it. If I saw one more screaming toddler strapped down in a stroller last night (after midnight, I might add), I was seriously afraid I was going to have a psychotic break. Do these people really need a Vegas vacation SO bad that they need to torture their babies?

But then, these are the same people who brought their toddlers to see '300' and the 'Patriot' when I went to see them. I really do not understand why movie theaters cannot draw the line and allow NO ONE under 17 in rated R movies. Do they really fear they will lose THAT much revenue? I don't get it. My husband and I rarely see violent movies together, because we have a child. Neither of us needs to see ANY movie bad enough that we have EVER needed to bring our small child. Ever. End of story. Amen. I don't consider us particularly great parents, we have plenty of foibles and failures, but it was more important to us to be the best parents we could be and that did not include my child seeing, I don't know, Sin City or Inglourious Basterds. What is wrong with people?

I have long postulated that what most people really want is a pet, not a child. Children are an inconvenience and they would really, REALLY, like to be able to just leave it with a big bowl of food and a big bowl of water and run off for the weekend. How many times a year do you see in the news some dumbass being prosecuted for that very reason. They whine, they rationalize, but ultimately, they just weren't willing to not be able to do something RIGHT THEN because they couldn't get a babysitter. Tcha.

And luckily for us, these same people persist in playing in the SCA. They still think that the SCA is some magical land where fairies will come and clean up their children, make sure they don't run into the road, change their diapers, keep them from running onto the list field - you name it. This made me crazy before I was a parent and even crazier after I was a parent. I haven't gotten to go to a lot of evens this year because my 12 year old has developed a serious dislike for the SCA. And it's my hobby, not his. As a kid, there are so many things he HAS to do, because he is a kid, that I don't need to add the SCA on top of that. Does it bother me sometimes? Yes. I have many selfish weekends where I would rather be at an event. But I don't need to go bad enough for my son to be miserable so that I can have fun.

Time is fleeting, people. Let your children be children while they can. Set some boundaries, for them and for yourselves. They are really only yours for 18 years - that's really a small slice of your life and theirs to be a good parent and have a good relationship with your child. You can go see violent movies when they go to college for pete's sake. And for the love of god, don't take your toddlers to Fremont Street at midnight. Kthxbai.

Meh. Blah.

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 15:44:08 GMT

I am major bummed I cannot go to Estrella now. I'm just coming down off bronchitis and the last thing I need is camping in the damp and below 40 weather. Too cheap to pay and drive back and forth to a hotel room for both nights, so once again, not going. Once again, cooking a ton of food I won't get to eat. Sigh. I know it's for the best, I just get soooooooooooo tired of being the one to make the grown up decisions.

Back to the gynecologist next week. The birth control they put me on to regulate my hormones and the early menopause or whatever the frack it is is not really helping. It's made my PMS horrible - a week before my period, I pick these fights with my husband, for absolutely NO reason whatsoever. Last week's escalated really badly and quickly and upset us both. I do not want to murder him with an axe because my hormones are out of whack. Plus, I have no sex drive whatsoever. Just bleh. Needless to say, this is not helping with anything. The pills reduced some of my symptoms in a minor way, but not enough for me to want to continue taking synthetic hormones at my age. So, either different pills or explore the surgical options. Sigh.

On a brighter note, I've started two projects I'm super excited about. One is a nightcap for my husband. He's long been wanting an embroidered something comparable to my coif, so nightcap it is. Still dithering with patterns, but it's getting there. Also, after a long browse at our Joann's 'superstore' this week, I picked up some really yummy scarlet wool and stuff to knit said wool and have embarked on my first pair of stockings. I have very BASIC knitting skills, but have been practicing the last couple of nights. I cast on and knit rather tightly, so I have to work on that. I always had problems with 'purl' but I think I figured out why (I feed my yarn from the left - in the 'German' or 'Dutch' fashion - my mom was taught to knit by an ancient Hungarian lady, who taught my mom to feed the yarn that way, so that's how my mom taught me... and it's the only way that's comfortable to me) so I just never grokked the mechanics of it. I also picked up a great how to book and sat Tuesday night doing purl over and over again until it was comfortable and I figured out a way to purl with the left hand yarn carry that had more 'flow'.

What I really want is a pair of Eleonora of Toledo's stockings - but with all the eyelets and fancy stuffe, I think I need some good solid practice just with the increases & decreases before I branch out. So, I'm slightly modifying Donna Kenton's pattern in her 'Knitting Elizabethan Stockings' (a great article which has now dropped off the internet! Yay for the Wayback Machine, I was able to find it again last night!). Mine will just be knee stockings and they will have the integral clocks. I think I can finish the toe but I have NO FRICKING IDEA how to accomplish the gusset/flap thingie for the heel. But, I've got the shaft to knit first, so maybe by the time I get to the ankle, I'll have another leap of comprehension!

My husband's going to fight in Crown Tourney for me next month. Logically, we are fairly certain he will not win, but we have very strong feelings about the proper way to go about things, so we are pretending he might win (and the Taco Bell rule can always apply - i.e. everyone else but him eats at Taco Bell the night before on the way to the site & has food poisoning the next day....), so we always talk about the upcoming Kingdom Schedule, what events we can attend, what we will have to rearrange, who we would want helping us behind the scenes, etc. Trying to figure out what I want to wear. I have a heraldic surcoat about 1/2 done that I've been futzing with for about 3 years. Our arms are embroidered on satin and appliqued to the back of it - connected with two held hands. I found this conceit in a lot of Scottish visual heraldry to imply that two armigers were married & liked it a lot. I've just never been able to figure out how I wanted to shape the surcote - if I wanted it loose or fitted. I've got some beautiful grey silk and a ton of trim for the sleeves, so I think I may go with that. I'll have to mess with the fitting of it some more next week. And it would be even better if I had secksy knitted scarlet stockings to wear with it!

But now, I'm going back to bed before I start the marathon afternoon of cooking for my husband and his knight for Estrella.

Can't see the forest for the trees. . . .

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 19:19:21 GMT

Wow. Just wow. Clark County (Nevada) School District gets an 'F' in Civics, Political Science and American History.

It NEVER occurred to me that my son would not be watching the first African American President get sworn in at school yesterday. Had I known, I would have kept him at home and just taken the damn unexcused absence. When he got home from school yesterday I asked what he thought about the President's speech. He explained he hadn't seen it - that his 1st and 3rd period teachers only had the TV on for a few minutes - the main thing he was concerned about was Senator's Kennedy's collapse during the luncheon - that was the only thing he knew about it. The swearing in and speech would have occurred during his 2nd period class, which was computer science. Yesterday was his first day in that class (they have gym the other half of the school year) and what were they doing instead of watching a truly great moment in American History? Writing down vocabulary words, sharing 'getting to know you' stories and playing GAMES ON THE COMPUTER! I really really thought that it must just be that the computer teacher was an idiot with no awareness, but once I called the school and spoke to the principal, it really hit home just how much they didn't care. The principal said there were no guidelines from the District and that she had left it up to the discretion of the individual teachers. I was flabbergasted when she told me that she hadn't watched it either - she was at another school observing teachers (who clearly didn't watch the damn thing either!). She was really sorry, but didn't know what to say.

So I emailed his 2nd period teacher. My son is not the best at A) paying attention or B) relaying a coherent account of events that occur at school. So, I thought, rashly giving this teacher the benefit of the doubt, perhaps she had told them at the beginning of class they if they wanted, they could watch CSPAN or something on the computer and he just wasn't paying attention. But no. I got a truly terse and disheartening response from his teacher, complete with bad grammar:

"Dear Ms. xxxxx , I would have love to see the president speech as well. However, I have a job to do and I was also evaluated by the assistant principal yesterday for the entire class period. If you have any problems concerning this matter, you may contact the principal. Have a great day.

Ms xxxxx "

Apparently, 'doing her job' doesn't include finding a way to integrate the Inauguration with computer science and technology. Hell, I know dick about computers and I came up with a lesson plan that could have combined the two in about thirty seconds. Apparently, everyone was so busy doing their jobs yesterday, they forgot to do their goddamn jobs.

But was my sense of outrage shared by the School District? Nope. Everyone I talked to yesterday and today let me know in no uncertain terms that it wasn't a big deal and I was wasting everyone's time. Apparently, having educators and administrators that are so short sighted and apathetic that they can't comprehend the importance of watching American History WHILE IT FUCKING HAPPENS ain't no big deal. What really burned me up was all the charming stories that played on the local news last night - of teachers in the Valley that made an event out of the Inauguration, doing exercises and teaching lessons leading up to it - one teacher made the kids take notes on the speech because they were going to get quizzed on it. Clearly, SOME of them got it.

Clearly, I am out of touch with the goals of the modern American education system. This truly must be 'teaching to the test' run rampant, when a teacher is so concerned with an evaluation that she couldn't find a way to integrate something so important into her lessons plans (which again, include PLAYING FUCKING COMPUTER GAMES).

I wrote a letter to the District's Superintendent with copies of his teacher's sad little email and copied my son's principal on everything. I'm certain they have little to fear from my wrath - clearly I am pissing up a rope today with all my righteous indignation (I will have to take pleasure in the fact that I included the following vocabulary words in my letters: lament, woeful, disheartening, apathy and short-sighted. I, at least, know how to spell and have a passing acquaintance with grammar, even if I do enjoy the art of the run-on sentence.) Sigh.

Seeking therapy shouldn't make you need therapy, dammit!

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 15:32:43 GMT

Grr. What a frustrating week. All I wanted was to get my son evaluated for depression. We wasted an appointment on Monday (an appt where we were treated very insensitively and stupidly by the pediatric staff - many complaints and phone calls followed) when it turns out we did NOT need a mental health referral and could have just found a therapist and made the appointment directly. Soooooo - we went to what we _thought_ was a therapist on Saturday that the pediatric nurse recommended only to find out at the end of the hour that he recommended therapy for my son? Huh? Turns out he was not, in fact, a therapist, but only did evaluations on kids to see if they needed to be medicated! So, not only was the hour a complete waste of time, we wasted one of the 8 paid mental health visits we were allotted. Dammit.

I finally made his school understand last week that yes, they were in fact going to evaluate him for a learning disability (if one more person tells me how bright and lazy my child is, I'm going to go on a tri-state shooting spree). His counselor, who is a twit, tried to tell me his test scores were too high for him to have a learning disability. I let her know in no uncertain terms that she wasn't qualified to determine that based on test scores and that when a parent requests evaluation, they are required by law to do it. Pissed me off.

Grr. Not a great start to the week. Doesn't help that I am eating everything that's not nailed down. It may be because it's finally gotten cold here and my body is trying to hibernate (I swear almost every winter that I have a bear gene....) - it's only amounted to a couple of extra pounds so far, but I am terrified I will put back on all the wait I've lost. On paper, 2008 was a victory. I didn't gain back the weight I lost in 2007 - but I can't help but feel like I failed - because I spent all of 2008 gaining and losing the same 5 or 6 lbs all year. I still have 95 lbs to lose to get in the realm of a healthy weight for my small frame! So, hopefully, 2009 will be a better year for weight loss. Maybe I can only lose weight in odd numbered years? Who the fuck knows.

The business with my mother in law's estate continues to drag on. I'll be very glad when it's done. I'm thinking probate is like the last month of pregnancy. You just want it to be over so bad that you don't care anymore and there's no more fear of delivery because you are ready to get it out with salad tongs if necessary. Probably not a good analogy, but whatever.

But yay, we will finally put up our Christmas tree tonight. I'm hoping that will give all of us a lift. I am sooooooooooo tired of being just vaguely depressed. You know, not suicidal, just incredibly, incredibly blah, like eating bland food all day long. So. I think I'm going back to bed now - I just wish I had a cave and a nice nest of leaves.....

Is Wednesday afternoon the new Tuesday morning?

Mon, 08 Dec 2008 05:15:11 GMT

Dear small business owner who caters to SCA customers:

When I email you and tell you I have a specific deadline and ask, very politely, making no demands, that if I pay your exorbitant price to priority mail me the 8 buttons that I need to finish a project and that I really need them by Thursday and that I would be happy to pay for express mail rather than just priority mail and you email me back and tell me you have them in stock and that you can get them in the mail to me by Tuesday morning and there shouldn't be a problem and you then don't put them in the mail until Wednesday afternoon and then don't answer my emails on Thursday asking where they are and you DON'T have a phone number I can call and they don't arrive until Saturday, you are a cow and know nothing about customer service. But I suppose an 8 or 9 word email letting me know that life happened and you couldn't get them in the mail so that I might have had some other options was beyond you. You are why small business costume suppliers in the SCA get such a bad rap.

That's not our plane. . . our plane would be on fire. . . .

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 05:20:37 GMT

Sigh. This has been an absolutely craptastic week. In so many ways. Warning - major whingefest coming up. . . . .

Let's see.

My mother in law passed away on Monday. It was peaceful - she was in the equivalent of a coma - deep drugged sleep she hadn't been out of in about a week, with family and hospice members around her. She basically just stopped breathing. So, an end to her pain and unhappiness - she's been absolutely miserable at my brother in law's (she was supposed to come live with us for me to take care of her, but she was too ill to travel). She didn't get along with my brother in law's fiancee when she was all there and the days she wasn't all there, she was just generally upset and belligerent because she knew it wasn't her house. It was very sad and hard for everyone. My husband spent 10 days with her the week before she died to give brother in law & fiancee a break. We're not 100% sure if she even knew my husband was there & she stopped eating the night before he left.

My husband left early tuesday morning for Austin to help with all the final stuff that needed to be dealt with and is now in Houston packing her house up. So that meant that a) he wasn't home for Thanksgiving and b) he wasn't home for my birthday (yes, I am a selfish, whiney little bitch) - just luck of the draw, in 14 years in the military, we've never been apart for a big holiday.

I am very conflicted about my mother in law's death. She was not a nice person. In very many ways. But she was my husband's mother and my son's grandmother and she never knew in word or deed by me, just how much I disliked her. Much to my guilty dismay, she spent a great deal of time bragging about the three of us. She was in horrible pain and pretty much unless you are a Nazi or a child molester, I don't think anyone should suffer like she did. So, no, I don't think hell is waiting for her - I don't believe in it - and whatever sins she committed, real or perceived, I certainly think she paid for them on earth. The last two weeks she was alive, she mumbled constantly about the persons that were talking to her that wanted her to come home. She would gesture and wave to people in her room - so I suppose that's comforting. She was clearly going to a place where she felt wanted and missed.

But now we have the aftermath of more of the way she lived her life. She made my brother in law her executor. Why? Because he's the oldest. He is not a bad guy, but he has an 8th grade education and this has all really been overwhelming for him. My husband has taken care of everything he can...but him being executor is going to be a nightmare.

My son has been depressed for the last couple of months due to her illness and all the stress at home. He's been getting in trouble at school and I have several meetings at his school to try and get some of the mess straightened out.

My husband used up the last of his leave on his last visit home to see his mom before she passed away. He is now in what is called 'negative leave' which is what you get for emergencies. It's chargeable and he has to make it up. He gets 2.5 days of leave a month. He's going to be gone between 10 and 12 days, which means he will have no leave until the end of May. And our fabulous trip this August for our 40th birthdays - the trip to Pennsic and seeing Gettysburg and all the kitschy roadside attractions along the way? Yeah. We can fucking forget that. If he doesn't use any of it, he'll have 7.5 days of leave the end of July. Boy, do I love the Air Force and how they 'give' you emergency leave for a death in the family.

And finally, my birthday. My mom and dad each sent me a card that arrived a few days before, so I guess they were off the hook. My husband was caught up with family stuff and forgot to call. My son is 11 - oblivious. So...I basically spent the day in an 8yr old snit because I felt like the world forgot me until about 4pm that afternoon when a couple of my friends finally got around to calling. Am I better than that? Usually. Did it stop me from being upset and depressed and pissy? Nope. I'm pretty much over it now. But it was a long day. But I did go see 'Zack and Miri Make a Porno' which was sick and wrong and parts of it were extremely funny. Justin Mewes makes me scream with laughter - he's just so broken.

But let us not forget - our Barony's Yule is this coming weekend. I am the feast coordinator and yes, of course, my husband is the Autocrat. It's all well in hand - we did as much stuff beforehand as we could because we knew what was going to happen. But it's the last thing I want to fucking deal with.

But, I can report, that I weighed 3 lbs less on Thanksgiving this year than I did last year. Did I lose the weight I needed to lose in 2008? Not by a damn sight. But did I gain back any of the weight I lost in 2007? Nope. So that's a victory. A small one. But I will take it.

Sigh. So I think I am done bitching now. It's been a shitty week. Today was St. Andrew's Day. I think I'm going to go have a shot neat of some of the exceedingly good Scotch I have in celebration of the date and try and forget the shitty week. I have a lot to do this week and not enough time to get it done in, so I really have to move past it. Our theme for our Yule was 'War of the Roses' and I bought some of Reconstructing History's patterns for the first time. I have a dress and a doublet to finish, a truncated hennin to finish and some simple shoes to make. Oh and an event to get done....whatever.....

Countdown commencing. . . .

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 15:39:06 GMT

Holy purple cats, Major Tom......

the 10 day spiffy Victorian Clothing quest for Hallowe'en is nearing the end. Chemise? Done. Open crotch pantaloons? Done. Corset? Done except for covering the grommets. Front placket charcoal pinstripe pants? Done. Dove grey taffeta & black stripe tartan double breasted waistcoat with black velvet buttons lined with skull fabric? Done. Black velvet awesome frock coat of awesomeness with fur collar and cuffs with pewter skull buttons? Half done. Left to do? Hubby's shirt, and the rest of my stuff (bodice, skirt & some sort of petticoat and/or bustle)- which was waiting on me to finish my undergarments so I could take proper measurements for cutting. Hubby's shoes will be here tomorrow - two tone boots with integral spats and side buttons. They are yummy. He has a plain silver pocket watch which we hung on the vest in a 'single Albert' but I found the Kewlest skull pocket watch on e-bay yesterday which I got for $6.50! It's a mass produced one, but cool, the face of the skull with the upper jaw hinges up to show the clockface inside. Can't wait to surprise him with it.....

Our skull badge is finally going to Laurel after much annoyance - can't wait for it to pass......

So, back to the salt mines, as it were. Gotta cut out a purple taffeta cravat.....promise pics soon, to my what....three readers? Snort!

In a holding pattern on the mother in law moving in front. According to brother in law's girlfriend, she feels the end is near and that my mother in law is too ill and in too much pain to travel (and some arsebite stole her cell phone and charger out of her room yesterday - can't imagine what ring of hell this douchenozzle belongs in - who steals from people dying of cancer?). I'll be talking to the nursing facility today to see if they concur, in which case the focus will swing back to getting us to Austin to see her one more time.

Many things - some good, some bad

Tue, 21 Oct 2008 07:04:21 GMT

Okay, let's see.....my husband's terminally ill mother is coming to live with us around Nov.15th. She was in an assisted living facility because she had to get her pain meds via IV and she was getting some physical therapy. Her pic line is out, she can take her meds orally, she's able to mostly take care of herself & her physical therapy sessions are almost at an end, therefore Medicare is ready for her to be booted out. She's not ready for a hospice yet, but she is too fragile and with the super super painkillers she on, she cannot be on her own. Because I am a housewife and can be home to take care of her and because no one in the family can afford a regular nurse, we're it. I am...conflicted to say the least. This is not a woman I like or respect. And soon, it appears, I am going to be her primary care-giver. For me, it's not a question of whether I can do it - I was raised (sort of) with that whole Protestant work ethic things. Add to that, a very deeply ingrained, Southern, family-comes-before-all-else and here I am, about to move my mother-in-law into our house, basically until she dies, at some unknown time, most likely in the next six months. I'm trying to look at it with a cosmic, karmic, big-picture attitude and not fixate on the details. My son is already getting some counselling - the stress is really getting to him. My husband is super-stressed, as am I, and it's trickling down. On the one hand, I think it might be better for him if he can physically take part in taking care of her. On the other hand, as she deteriorates, it's going to be very upsetting for all of us. Hopefully, we'll be able to get her into a hospice before it gets too bad.

I am absolutely convinced that modern western society has done itself a deep disservice by so completely removing death from our lives. We want our old people to die somewhere else, where someone else can clean it up and take care of it. I deeply, deeply feel that no matter what my true feelings are for this woman, it is my duty to help care for her in her time of need. Plus, we don't have any other financial options, so I will do what I have to do. Why do I keep saying I? My husband usualy works anywhere from 12-16 hours a day during the week - making rank was great, but now he's a section chief - so lots of paperwork in addition to turning a wrench. It's going to be my day to day job to care for her. I can do it, but am afraid I may be crazy at the end of it.

Next - I got my nostril pierced mid-August. I love it, think it's supercute and realize it's my mid-life crisis. I don't give a fuck. It was almost completely healed and for some reason, I got some horrible infection in it last week and I was terrified I was going to have to take it out. It seems to be resolving itself. I don't think it will be healed enough by Hallowe'en for me to wear the new stud I bought, but I can wait.

Next, hubby and I made my first duct-tape double last night. It was very odd, both good and bad (and yes, he took the opportunity to make rude drawings on me while I was trapped like a mummy). It's very odd to see yourself, life-sized, in 3D. My son thinks it's creepy. Makes me realize that though I've lost 60lbs, it's not anywhere near enough, but also made me see it's not that bad. I discovered tonight that the measurements are way off - like 9" too large around the waist and about 6" too large about the hips. I don't know if that's just a facet of duct-tape doubles or what. I stuffed it tonight, but need more fibrefil - I don't think it's the right hardness yet. It's still fairly squishy though, which I think will make up the size difference when I start draping. I've never worked with a dummy before, so this will be a new experience for me, broadening my sewing horizons, etc. It's in aid of the yummy Victorian I am making for myself for Halloween. We're doing a sort of a Sweeney Todd, LXG steampunk thing, with real Victorian clothes, rather than the weird ren-faire like amalgam that Steampunks seem to do.

We have friends that are getting married on Hallowe'en and her wedding dress from Hell is almost done. I shouldn't call it that, it's just the fabric she bought for the bodice/corset is STRETCHY and has just been an absolute cunt to work with. I've done a ton of fittings. After recutting one of the back panels 3 times, resewing the whole thing and ripping it apart 3X, I finally got it done and sat Saturday night until 2am handcovering the 30 grommets with thread. It looked beautiful - white satin brocade corset with red satin piping on all the seams. She came over Sunday morning for the final fitting. We zipped the skirt on and I said 'hmm - that's kind of loose.' We laced on the corset. It was loose enough at the waist I could pinch a good 2" on either side. That was when she said...hmm, I guess I shouldn't have started dieting! I really, REALLY wanted in a that wild moment to chop her head off with a machete. Sigh. So, last night, I ripped the whole thing apart (around the lovely hand bound grommets). So now I have to take it in on a curve at the sides, make new piping for two seams because the seams will now be longer and then somehow manage to put all the panels back together - remembering that the back half is still sewn down because of the grommets, so it's sort of a mobius bodice. I think I will regular seam the outer layer on the sewing machine, machine sew the bottom and then whipstitch the inside sections together by hand. I think it's the easiest way to work around the grommets and make the adjustments. I can do it. I just want to kill her.

But we are all supposed to come in costume to the wedding. I love Hallowe'en and because I generally spend a ton of time making my son's custom costumes (two years ago I fabricated Clone Trooper armor out of camping foam - I was picking white spray paint out of my fingernails for weeks - but it was a kick ass costume) - my costume, usually some sort of slutty pseudo witch, gets thrown together at the last minute and then I am mad. This year, my son picked an off the rack Halo3 Costume (and he's so thrilled with it the helmet has pride of place on our entertainment center). The only thing I have to fabricate this year is the boots - no problem - we got him some chunky soled boots at the thrift and I'll build up the boot plates out of foam & spray paint, easy peasy. So, this year, hubby and are getting kickass clothes that I have already spent too much money on. I found a gorgeous aubergine satin that started it all. It's a deep gorgeous purple with this....velvet flocked lace overlay on it. So, I'm making a cuirass bodice trimmed with tons of black velvet buttons, an apron draped bustle out of the purple and then a modified bustle skirt out of black taffeta. I'm going full out, chemise, drawers, corset, fingerless mitts, purple Victorian sunglasses, awesome hat with black and purple velvet roses and tulle netting. Sigh. I can't wait to get it done and wear it. I'm cutting out most of it tomorrow (I actually bought patterns! Gasp!), but won't do any fitting until the corset's done on Thursday - I should get my bones & my busk on Wednesday and can get going on it. Yes, I'm giving myself eleven days to make full on Victorian for my husband and I. But I rock (snort) and can do it.....

So, verbal vomiting over - I think I'll blogging a lot more one she moves in. I'm REALLY going to need to vent anonymously.

Here's the other project

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 16:11:02 GMT

Okay, clearly I am too stupid to figure out the picture function on these blogs - I can't post more than two at a time and I can't get them to go where I want. Sigh. This is a pin cushion I made for a friend's birthday. These cute little things are called biscornu or bicornu depending on the website you look at and they have been all the rage for a couple of years among crafters and needleworkers. I can't seem to find any reference to them older than a few years, but I doubt if they are older than Victorian/Edwardian and I'm not sure they are even that old. I just love the shape they make when you put them together though. So, I adapted two sixteenth century embroidery designs and backed it with some pretty aubergine brocade (my friend loves purple). The picture doesn't do justice to the rich color.

Much less depressing today. . .

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 15:49:18 GMT

Two projects I meant to post a while back. One, was just for fun. A friend was made a Pelican earlier this year and I made her clothes for the ceremony (she found a gorgeous gold and burgundy brocade - unfortunately it was nasty, fray-ey fabric). Lined with turquoise, it looked very Mongolian to me for some reason - basically a simple Persian coat. Anyway - she has a fox on her device and I have had this doll forever, bought it at a TJ Maxx literally something like 20 years ago, just thought it was cute, it was basically in a prairie style gingham dress. Remember it for some reason and made clothes for it like the ones I made for my friend - basically made her a 'mini-me'. I don't have pics of my friend to hand in the clothes - will see if I can post some, but here you go - this is how I crack myself up. The doll is about 6"long. And yes, I made it a microscopic Pelican medallion - with real pearls no less.

Highs and Lows (no, not the weather....)

Tue, 23 Sep 2008 19:24:25 GMT

So. Flew to Houston on Friday & returned last night.

My mother in law's cancer, which they thought in July was relatively contained, has metastasized. It is such an aggressive fast growing type of renal cancer, that the tumor they removed on July 4th has already grown back. Her lower abdomen is full of cancer cells. Three weeks ago, they gave her two months. They've been doing palliative radiation on the tumor, in the hopes of reducing it enough that they can get her in good enough physical shape to start a course of chemo and buy her more time. My husband met with the oncologist today and they discussed her options. He wants to start chemo, with no guarantees. My mother in law made the decision today that she is done. She doesn't want any more radiation and doesn't want to start chemo, she is tired of being in pain and ill. So, now we are in the process of moving her into a hospice in Austin to get terminal care and pain management for her.

My husband's 48 year old brother is being a huge wuss and the bulk of the decision-making and dealing with doctors is falling on my husband and me. We're up to it and up for it and will do what's best for my mother in law, but in my black little heart I want him to cowboy up and quit acting like a pussy. We're the ones who've been flying in from Vegas - he's making drives from Austin to Houston. I'm sorry if he has guilt feelings he's dealing with (basically, every time anything serious is discussed, he balls like a baby). I'm not completely unsympathetic - it's not my mother that's dying and I'm sure I can't comprehend how hard this is for him. But dammit - I dragged my eleven year old out there so he could see his grandma one more time before she dies, and _he_ acted more like an adult that my damn brother in law. Sigh. This is truly when you discover people's mettle, I guess. I have a stable, long-term and loving marriage and family home life to fall back on - my brother in law does not. So he gets slack cut for a little while longer.

So I'm drained. The skilled nursing home facility where she was was full of very sad people - many of them who clearly had no family to care for them. It sucked a lot out of us just being there. I don't know if the hospice will be better or worse. But we'll deal with that too. I just hope for my mother in law's sake that she will reach the end of this with dignity and in as little pain as possible.

I had my little moment though. I've lost another 35 lbs since I flew to Ireland last summer. Not only did the seat belt click together just fine with no strain, I got to ratchet it up tighter a few inches. Now there's some damn progress. So I guess I'll take my little triumphs where I can get them.

Now, off to the car care center on base - I came home to a completely flat tire on our truck. Sigh.

Phzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzphtphtphtphtphtphtphthpttttttttttttttttttttttt

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 07:41:50 GMT

Okay - so that's supposed to be that great noise a balloon makes when you haven't tied it off yet and you let go of it and it flies around the room expelling all the air before dropping to the ground. That's me...the balloon. Laying on the ground, deflated....

Let me explain...no no...there is too much....let me sum up.

My mother in law has cancer. She had a tumor which originated in her kidney which was wrapped around her abdominal aorta and putting pressure on her spine. After having back pain for a year (yes, you read that right, a YEAR) about six weeks ago the pain got much worse & she started visiting the emergency room. She never saw the same dr twice and because she told them only that she had a history of back problems, they were giving her muscle relaxants and sending her home, until one night it was so bad, they had to admit her. They did xrays, discovered a mass between her kidneys and that one was grossly enlarged. After 3 weeks in the hospital and numerous biopsies, they knew she had cancer, but weren't sure where. Her kidney completely shut down and they had to insert a tube to drain the fluid off. Because all but one of the biopsies had been inconclusive, they decided on a Thursday morning to do exploratory surgery the next. She's 75 and has a kidney not working. But that afternoon, they get MRI results back and are finally able to visualize what & where the cancer is. Though the now have a better plan of action, they only give her a 50/50 chance to survive the surgery. We flew my husband out that night and he was able to see her at about 5am the next morning (he hadn't seen her in over a year.....).

The surgery went much better than they expected. The tumor was not involved with the aorta or the spine, merely wrapped around the aorta - the aorta was 'fighting back' doing it's job to stay rigid, which was pushing it back into the spine causing the pain. The kidney and the renal artery were done though and they had to remove the kidney. The were able to excise about 95% of the tumor and there was no evidence it had spread anywhere else other than her lymph nodes. The path report later showed the tumor to be all kidney cells, meaning it hadn't migrated from anywhere else. So, the best results possible for what she had. She's home now and being evaluated for chemo, which she's supposed to start soon. But chemo is very hard on the kidneys and now she has one.

I will only confine myself to saying that the way she has lived her life led her down this path. I don't think or mean to imply that anyone deserves cancer (other than people who abuse and/or molest children - may they all get ass cancer and die screaming - but I digress.....) but her lifestyle got her to where she is now. Once my husband left Houston, she was driving - despite the fact that all the meds she's on ALL say she shouldn't - she did anyone once he is gone. One of the drugs she is on is a methadone patch, because she was on a morphine pump for nearly a month. In her mind, the patch is not 'real' medicine and therefore, she is at liberty to not think of it as medicine or pay any attention to any possible side effects. See my first statement in this paragraph.

My husband is now home and flustered and depressed and grieving. Because of the uncertainty of her condition, he has given up almost all of his Thunderbird trips for the rest of the year. And feels guilty for being upset about that.

So...now we wait....

I got my ultrasound results today. My uterus is just fine and thanks you for being concerned about it. No tumors, no abnormal growths, no hyperplasia. All my other tests have come out normal other than low grade anemia - I'm just having the horrendous periods. Most likely cause - unspecified hormonal imbalances, most likely early onset of menopause (I'm 38. I'm very pissed off about this. Is it possible to dislike your organs? My ovaries and uterus have let me down a lot of my life. I realize more and more each year just how statistically impossible it was that I got pregnant, carried a child to term and delivered him safely - none of my shit works right!). So. The short term solution was to put me on low dose birth control. I haven't been on the pill in almost 16 years. I have very strong feelings about manipulating body chemistry. But I am tired of feeling either psychotic or in horrible pain (sometimes both! Bonus!). But, this type is specifically made to combat all the symptoms I'm having and maybe let me have a semi-normal life again. We'll see. One of my biggest concerns after losing all this weight was that I would start gaining immediately - I stressed to the OB/GYN that if this happened, I would come back and go postal on the Women's Health Clinic at the base hospital. I stressed I would use the hormonal imbalance as my plea and would probably get off with manslaughter (laughter). She assured me that being on this pill may even help with the weight loss - hormones being out of whack are a major cause in women gaining/and or having trouble losing weight. So we'll see. I took the first one tonight.

So. As of tonight, I am officially out of the baby business. Or should I say baby-hoping business. For eight years, my 'non-specific infertility' meant that there was always a chance. It's made me crazy - because 13 times a year now, I will spend a couple of days wondering and hoping and then being disappointed. In the long run, it's probably better, not to have this hoping and then the hopes being crushed. I've done it what - 104 times? No wonder I'm half crazy.

I just wasn't expecting it to happen......just like that. I guess you have a picture in your mind of momentous occasions in your life occurring with more fanfare - rather than being handed to you in a brown paper bag by an anonymous civilian volunteer at a pharmacy. Hence the deflation. I wasn't expecting a gold watch I guess - something along the lines of ' thank you for all your years of fertility' but I suppose I thought the end of my child-bearing years would be more of a milestone - not something that's got me depressed and weepy. I suppose I'm disappointed with our modern society again.

The onset of menarche was not heralded as a rite of passage - but rather something to be shameful of and to hide. While I loved being pregnant, childbirth was horrible and not the 'hour of power' I had been led to believe it would be. It sucked, rather, tho' I did get a baby at the end of it....And so now this - the 'silent passage' if you will, crept up behind me and hit me in the back of the head before I was forty. Dammit.

But, perspective, perspective, perspective....that's always my watchword. I could be going through what my mother in law is going through. Instead, I'm grousing about taking synthetic hormones once a day in a teeny pill and maybe actually feeling better. I need to get over myself.

Super Summer Fun (.....sarcasm......)

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 17:56:46 GMT

Well. It's shaping up to be a great summer.

What I feared was a thyroid problem, my ob/gyn thinks may be early menopause. Sigh. Two weeks ago they attempted an endometrial biopsy. They take a suction tube and attempt to get a sample of the endometrial cells that line your uterus. And yes - this is just about as much fun as it sounds. When you are not pregnant, the cervical entrance to your uterus is pretty tiny. Mine was apparently microscopic (which, fun fun fun, may be why I've been having infertility problems the last 8 years....), the procedure was horribly painful and upsetting. So, I wait for my results? She calls to tell me they didn't get any endometrial cells in the sample!

What's next for me? First, a vaginal ultrasound. Ever had one? It's SUPERFUN! They take this thing that looks like a curling iron, only pointy and flat, put a condom on it and...can you guess what comes next? Only, because my innards always seem to be in weird places, I always end up having to do this sort of backbend position whilst being rammed with said object, in order for them to get a clear picture. It's...well....let's just say it's not on my top ten lists of things I want to have rammed into my vagina, 'kay?

If that's inconclusive, next they will try a D&C to get the endometrial cells. She doesn't want to put me through another biopsy. A D&C will include some anesthesia - so, while I am not thrilled at the prospect - being knocked out for it is much better than the biopsy (for which I got.... Ibuprofen!)

But, all my bloodwork and pap smear results came back normal, so it's not thyroid, or cancer, or anything else superbad. At worst it's either early menopause, fibroid tumors or some sort of super overgrowth of endometrial cells, which the D&C should take care of . I have to say the early menopause thing really pisses me off though.

But, as always, I try and keep things in perspective. I am still in relatively good health - I am not having to fight cancer or anything else really nasty. My cholesterol levels were great (yay me). I am continuing to lose weight (albeit at a painfully slow pace) and I still have a ton of hair (snort).

[As a side note, the rapid hair loss was really freaking me out. I don't have much on my body I've ever been able to depend on - I am a classic pear shape - so big ass and no tits to speak of, which on me also translates into big fat thighs. To make it worse, I have ridiculously small feet. Ever seen those Persian Astarte goddesses that terminate into the peg feet? Yup, that would be my shape.... but my hair? I have a ton of it, it's thick and coarse and wavy and grows sometimes 3/4 of an inch a month. Yes, it's going grey early, but I'm told in a dramatic and attractive fashion. So when it started coming out in huge bunches in my hands - it was time for panic......]

But, my bloodwork did show low level anemia, which has pretty much been a constant in my life because of the horrible periods. Last month she had me start taking the iron supplements every day, rather than just the week of my period - the horrible salt cravings have backed way down and the hair loss has also slowed way down, as have the horrible evening cravings for food. It appears that my body's lack of iron was making me do some weird things. So now I'm just left with the 'no matter how much sleep I get, I still feel like crap when I get up' - which I am now thinking may be due to my seasonal allergies, rather than something more sinister.

So, to my ...what...three readers (snort) - apologies for the long winded health update. Been trying to codify some things in my head about it - and I generally feel better once it is written down. . . .

Rosemary, high fructose corn syrup....and thou......

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 18:30:27 GMT

Grr. So tomorrow I hit two weeks with no sodas. I don't feel better and I haven't lost any weight, in fact I gained three pounds. But, as always, trying to go with the long term effects, so I am giving it 6 weeks. I also have not been scrupulous about my weight watchers, so that probably has more to do with the weight gain than lack of sodas. Tomorrow I get back on my exercise plan that was also supposed to last six weeks, but got derailed first by me trying to die & then my mother's visit. So, aerobics & toning 3x a week, with walking on the off days. Yay. I just love to exercise. Can you hear the excitement in my voice?

But, on a more positive note, I got a teensy garden plot in, around the tree in my front yard. It already had edging brick around it, in a sloppy oval, which hurts me - I wanted either a circle or failing that, a quatrefoil, easy to do with the already rounded edging bricks. But the grass sod in my yard is very old and tough and it would have taken a lot of destruction to redo the edging bricks, so I decided to let it be. I put in lovely, crimson dianthus, rosemary and lavender, all alternating. The dianthus especially has taken well and is blooming profusely. In my youth, I always had a black thumb (no really, I could kill an aloe vera!), but as I've gotten older and I guess more conscientious, my gardens are surviving. Because I have nowhere to put in a real garden (it's Vegas, it would take too much water and my dogs would destroy it in the back) I have a lot of pots on the front porch. My chamomile is surviving, as are 3 of the 4 ranunculus' (ranunculi?) that I bought. I also got English daisies, which I am sure I am wasting too much water on, but I wanted them. I'm starting morning glories (and got some of the fab night blooming ones) from seed, they are all coming up now and also starting two kinds of nasturtiums, the regular kind and a trailing, viney kind.

There is a small plot against the house in the back and my son and I decided on sunflowers and pumpkins. I'll have to put chicken wire around it for now to keep the goofy ass dogs off of them (they already tried to dig to China once in that garden strip - it took me two days to get it all filled back in).

And lastly, one of Attack Laurel's recent posts made me realize just how sloppy I have gotten with my everyday SCA things. I've spent so much time focusing on clothing, that I let my surroundings just go straight to hell. I realized the last event I went to, I'm not even sure I took fabric mundanity covers for the cooler, etc.. I hate it when other people don't even make the minimum effort and I realized what a poor example I've been setting lately. So, I'm changing my angle of attack for my projects for a bit. My husband still needs new clothes and I am still agonizing over that (I can never seem to get his clothes to fit just right and so I procrastinate, rather than screw up yet again), but I'm going to focus on some local setting type projects too. I've got a lovely latticework brocade that I've had for years that I haven't done anything with that's going to become a cooler cover. I've got tons of linen, so we need napkins. My feast gear is fine, I filled in the last few things for that last year (I still don't have a dozen pewter spoons like I want - they are always like that in the inventories, but I'm halfway there...). I had a project I referred to as the 'Laird's Chamber', that was going to be my 'masterwork'. It was my fuck you project the year or so I was on 'radio silence' (thank you again, Attack Laurel!). I had done all the research to outfit a room in Margaret & Simon's Bastle house and was starting to work on all the things that needed to fill it. I still have my bedhangings all laid out as well as all the research for the balance of my bed-linens, but lately, lack of money has triumphed over all. Simon almost has my lovely rope bed finished, so it really needed the linen bedding..... So, I need to outfit my immediate surroundings as well as I have outfitted my person....I need to revisit all the research I did for that project and start picking out small things that I can work on to make my environment at events more authentic.

So, hopefully back with some pictures soon. . . .

All the news that fits. . . . .

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 16:46:49 GMT

Okay, so, lessee. The planned 'no exercise' for my mom's visit was spot on. But, we did a ton of shopping which involved miles of walking around, so I got some exercise (and a new, yummy watch AND a brass pomander from l'Occitane that I can dremel off the logo, for $10 - SCORE).

We also ate like pigs. So, it all balanced out. I didn't lose any, but didn't gain. I'm trying to figure out what it is I need to do to shake up my metabolism to get off this freakin' plateau I've been on forever. I'm thinking it may take a small thermo-nuclear device....

I've been researching some of the physical symptoms I've been having of various things and am wondering if I have hypothyroidism. I have about 3/4 of the listed symptoms. But I can be something of a hypochondriac when I get on the internet medical sites, so I probably don't. I am past due for my 'check under the hood', but now, after getting the nuts up to make the damn appt, they haven't had any available! So, I have to try again Monday for an appt and will discuss my terrible periods as well other symptoms & see if I can get some bloodwork done. I know that when I turn 40 next year, the Air Force will order a complete physical for me (yay! my first mammogram! Can't wait) but I don't think I should wait that long.

Anywho, I have a sneaking suspicion I'm going to have to cut out a few more things and replace them with better things to eat and drink. And it's probably going to have to include more exercise. So, I'll start my 6 week experiment again with the exercise. But, I clearly didn't like the yoga right now. I'm clearly just not in a mental place for it, so I'm going to substitute walking instead. I'm still not fit enough to do a bunch of cardio without thinking my head is going to burst, so I'll stick with the 3x a week with the toning and walk on off days.

It's very, very VERY hard not to think of dieting as a form of punishment. AND I try to be all PC and not even use the word DIET anymore. Trying to thing of it as 'modifying my eating habits'. Yah. Bleh. I still know that I am not getting to eat fried cheese or drink buckets of fountain soda anymore.

They finally got off their asses and set the date of my high school reunion to August 2nd. So, I have to sit down tonight and re-map out all my goals for what I want to have achieved by then.

On a lighter note, I discovered these dead-cute little pincushions at my local needlework shop called biscornu. They seem to be all the rage right now. I searched in vain for any historical info, but haven't found any. I imagine they are probably Victorian, but I can't really find anything to back that up either! I'd love to do up a bunch for largesse baskets, but wish I could find ANY historical info on them. I've searched all my museum image websites in vain.....

What doesn't kill us. . . . .

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 17:47:15 GMT

Most likely really pisses us off....

Wow, I can't believe I let a month go by. Not much progress. I gained back all the weight I lost while I was sick (big surprise - you start eating again and boom!). However, I do seem to have done some shape shifting due to the toning exercises I had been doing - I got into a size 18 dress for a funeral this past weekend - a dress I've had for about 15 years. Why would I hang onto a dress for 15 years you ask? Well, it was a nice dress, an expensive, fairly classic-ish navy blue one I bought for work. Once I started doing the housewife thing, I gave most of my work clothes away to the thrift store, but I hung onto one. I had forgotten I had it and didn't have time or money to buy a new dress for the funeral and voila, there it was. And it fit. As well as a really cute pair of shoes I bought off of ebay two years ago that didn't fit, but that fit now. It never occurred to me that my feet would get smaller as a result of losing weight, but a natural consequence I suppose. So, essentially, two steps forward and one back, etc.

So, with being sick. all the exercising went by the wayside. I tried a couple of weeks ago to do aerobics and basically coughed up lung parts after about 10 minutes. I managed last week to do it once without dying. My mom is coming for a visit next week, so I know that I will not be able to stick to any exercising (I can just imagine my mother sitting in the living room watching me, critiquing my form or something - not even going there!), but maybe we can get some walking in in the evenings or something. So, on St. Patrick's Day, I'll start my 6 week program again. Although this time I think I will leave the Yoga out for now, I just was not digging it for some reason.

We're supposed to go to Alaska the end of June and my new mini-goal is to be under 200lbs by then. That would mean a 32 lb loss by then, which I don't think I can do, as that's about 2 lbs a week, which I don't think I can maintain with the Weight Watchers. I would have to really change what I have been doing and I don't think I am ready for that. My body has clearly hit a plateau of some sort though, because I've been about 5lbs around the same weight for several months - I put it on, I take it off, but I seem stuck at about 238-ish. I did get down to 229 while I was sick. I got down to 220 when I was doing Weight Watchers in Britain, so getting under that will really be a big thing for me. I have two big psychological goals - getting under 220, where I was in '98 and then getting under 200. I _think_ I weighed somewhere between 190 and 200 when we got married, but I'm not sure. I was in huge denial at that point. A year after we got married, I did weight watchers very briefly and discovered I was at about 210. That was a huge blow. I had no idea I had finally gone over the bar, as it were.

And I know. I'm stuck too much on numbers. I should be worried more about being healthy and feeling better. Yeah. Whatever. I live in the 'heart' of Western Civilization, as it were. We are all about numbers, number, numbers.....and how we look. Can't help it. I can only fight my social conditioning so much.

On the plus side, they keep moving the date of my 20th high school reunion, which is what started all this in the first place. As long as I am under 200 for my reunion, I think I will mentally be okay. It's going to be somewhere between August and October (they can't make up their minds!). October would be good from a weight loss standpoint, but would most likely mean I would miss the damn reunion, because I have to be home the end of October for an Air Force ceremony with my husband.

So, onward and upward (onward and lessward?). Hell, I don't know.

I think I may have to give up sodas altogether now. Once I hit 224, I go down two points again and that's gotta come from somewhere. I had always scheduled a soda in every day because I love them so much. I've given up the brown caffeine and am only drinking dye-free, corn-syrup free 'healthy' sodas now, but now I may have to cut that out too, sigh. We'll see what happens when I get down to 24 pts. I did okay going from 28 to 26.....

Despite all evidence to the contrary. . ..

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 17:35:53 GMT

Okay, so luckily, I am not dead. Not for lack of trying. What I originally thought was just a bad cold turned into a laundry list of nastiness. I had strep, an infection in each ear, an upper respiratory infection AND a sinus infection. I am still currently taking huge amounts of Augmentin and will be until Saturday. I wanted to die and reached the eventual point where I was afraid I would not (I had two solid days of not being able to keep food down). On the plus side and I am sure there is something wrong with being happy about it weight loss due to horrible illness, I reached my first new mini-goal of the year and have now lost a total of 60lbs. Obviously, all my workout goals have been out the window. Tomorrow is my aerobics days, but I don't think I am up to it yet. I will at least try to walk for 15 minutes to try and get some stamina up. My sleep schedule is all fucked up too, which I am hoping will straighten itself out today. Blargh.

So maybe I am not the yoga type....

Fri, 18 Jan 2008 18:51:18 GMT

Phew! First week of my new 'regime' out of the way. I am just not sure I am into the yoga right now. In addition to the physical part of it, is the mental and the relaxation part and I am just not there yet. I got a little further in the tape yesterday - I just skipped warrior pose altogether and went into the next two move and just realized it was boring me. I was relaxed, I wasn't concentrating on my breathing, I was actually considering doing aerobics instead! I really though it would be a good counterpart to the toning, to stretch all the muscles I was working out, but I'm just not feeling it. I will give it one more week and see how it goes before I switch to something else. I'm considering walking on the treadmill at the gym instead twice a week, but we'll see.

I also have to make an effort to eat better. I am eating within my points, but eating a lot crap while doing it. So, gotta make some changes there too. Bought some better groceries last night in aid of this. Changing your lifestyle almost entirely, is definitely not for wimps!

Freakin' muscle weighs more than fat.....grrrr!

Thu, 17 Jan 2008 17:33:04 GMT

Oh hell. I was cruising last week. Looked like getting through the '30's was not going to be as long or hard as the 40's. So, I get the brilliant idea monday to ramp up my working out, add toning and do yoga. So, I've done that so far and will be doing my yoga here in a second. So what did 3 days of diligence get me? Sticking religiously to my points and extra working out? Weight gain, that's what. It's very disheartening. I *know* logically that muscle weighs more and since I did the 'toning' twice this week and the yoga I'm sure I've built up a little muscle, but dammit! It's only about a 1/2 lb, but ......dammit! Last week I actually managed to lose a pound and a half during my period. That's a first, so of course I'm being punished for it this week. Sigh. I can't lose my momentum, gotta go on.

Day 2 - warrior pose is where I died.....

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 08:20:07 GMT

So, yesterday was okay, did both my aerobics and my toning. I am sore today, but not to the point I need to die. Tried to do my yoga tonight. I need to get a mat, because I was sliding all over the floor on my blanket. It's strictly a beginner's yoga tape and I got through about 25 minutes of it and finally had to quit. Partly because I am sore from toning, partly because the hanging my head down thing gave me a headache and now I feel like crap, not the point of yoga, I'm thinking. So, will see if I can find cheap squishy mat (we should have someone somewhere, from all the camping, but not sure what's in the storeroom - easier to spend 7.99!) and the next try will go a little better. Gotta go to bed now - part of the new regime was to get more sleep - went to bed around 2:30 last night, no so good!

Making a little more work for myself

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 09:15:17 GMT

Okay, so, next week I hit 1 year on Weight Watchers and I've decided I need to amp up what I am doing.

Here are my stats so far:
I've lost 52.4 lbs and a total of 44.6 inches from my body (that breaks down to things like 12.5 inches off my waist and 14 inches off my hips - I measure neck, waist, hips, upper arms, upper thigh & calf) - it's really the body measurements that have kept me going when the weight wasn't coming off as fast as I'd like.

My waist is now down below 35 inches, which is the measurement of death, as I like to call it - over 35" means you are more at risk for all sorts of shit. There are other formulas too, like waist to hip ratio and where you carry your weight, etc. that supposedly effect your risk for things such as heart disease. I'm a hippy girl and always will be, but once upon a time I had a fairly small waist, so if I can get that into the 20's again, hoooooooo-ray.

So, I've been doing aerobics pretty sporadically since September. Some weeks I only do it once, some weeks 3+. So, as I enter my 2nd year of this business, I think it's time to ramp things up. I'm in much better shape, physically, now that I've lost 50lbs.. I don't get winded as easily and I have a lot more stamina. I helped in the kitchen at our Yule and was on my feet for most of the afternoon. When I got home I was tired, but I didn't want to amputate my feet at the ankle, which is what used to happen to me they would hurt so bad. But now it's time to really make all this crap count. So, because I've gotten really OCD about anything having to do with my weight loss, I made up a little chart for myself. I'm going to try for 6 weeks to do aerobics followed by toning 3x a week and beginner's yoga 2x a week and see if it makes any difference to my measurements and weight loss on the average. I'm also having trouble with not getting enough sleep and I ALWAYS overeat when I am tired, so I'm going to really make more of an effort to get enough sleep every night (as I type this at 1:15 AM, snort).

I think it's supposed to be after 6 weeks something becomes a habit. I know the calorie counting surely did, so I'm hoping I can get this to be a habit too. Hopefully, I'll eventually mix it up a little bit more, like walking on the treadmill at the gym instead of aerobics & stuff like that. But, I still have huge gym fear. I finally made it to the gym on base on a Saturday recently and walked on the treadmill for half an hour. I was fine for a while, the room was empty for 15 minutes and then wouldn't you know - some stick figure got the on the elliptical RIGHT behind me (this is in an empty fucking room, mind you, with many other freakin' ellipticals to choose from), so for the 2nd 15 minutes, I just felt her eyes boring into my ass. She probably wasn't and couldn't care less, but that's what it FELT like, so GAAAAAAHHHHHH.

But I digress. I am seeing lots of progress with my health. My knees don't hurt anymore; my shoes all fit again, which I hope means my arches have stopped flattening out; my heartburn is almost non-existent and I've stopped snoring, except when my sinuses are bothering me. Plus, and this is the funny thing that never occurred to me, the cold is killing me! I've always loved the cold weather, but it is killing me this winter. I didn't really think a 50lb loss would make that sort of difference, but I really notice it now. I feel like I am always cold when I am outside. But, I'm embracing this too!

Estrella is next month and I'm hoping it will be a better experience than last time. Camping has really killed me the last few years as I've gotten fatter - getting up and down off an air mattress, all the walking, etc. and I was always worn out by Sunday and just wanted to go the hell home. So, hoping this year will show improvements there as they have everywhere else! My plan is to work out a small walking distance and walk for at least 15 minutes every morning. It won't be a lot, but then I know that will be consistent exercise and I won't fret as much if I eat at the food court.

Grr, I also have to bite the bullet and make that OB/GYN appointment and figure out what the heck is up with my plumbing.

So, I will be more religious about posting my stats here, at least once a week, most likely on Fridays if I can - Thursday is my weigh day, but Friday will be having just completed all my workout stuff for the week....

Feeling better. . . .

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 21:15:07 GMT

Wow. I didn't realize just how crappy I was feeling yesterday until I started feeling better. I was really down, like sitting on the sofa in a robe crying down, for parts of yesterday. It was mostly hormones & a really bad period, but wow. The blogging really did help. I have always found writing cathartic, so as I struggle, I think I need to try and write more. The combo of mild diuretics, iron supplements and extra calcium have really been helping with the periods. I found as I first started my weight loss last year that I could gain up to 5 or 6 lbs each month, very depressing! I'm still hurting, a lot, but feeling better today. Nothing a heating pad and massive amts of ibuprofen can't fix. So, I will add 'journalling' more to my New Year's resolutions. What is it, I think, 6 weeks of a pattern behaviour before it becomes a habit? I can easily do this until Valentine's Day & see if it helps with the stress/depression eating. If I am honest with myself, the diet hasn't been workings as well because I am eating too much. I make it up, one way or the other, but my progress would be more forward if I wouldn't cheat so much and then have to fix it.....

Ringing in the New Year - warning, it's a whine-fest

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 21:33:42 GMT

Okay, so, it's January 4th and I am mildly depressed. Eesh. It's been coming on for a while, due to a combo of factors. I can say 'mildly' because I've been through the serious before & on the meds (but not in almost 20 years, knock wood). I'm not there yet, at least. So, what's bringing it on?

Nothing really huge or big I can point to and jump up and down on, just little things that are adding up.....and I am trying to keep all these things in perspective...I swear. I have a high school friend who was in a horrible car accident the weekend after Thanksgiving. Head injury, medically induced coma, trach tube etc. He's doing better, much better than expected, but still has a long, long row to hoe. So, my bitching and whining is, well, just bitching and whining. I don't having any *real* issues I can point to, other than my dad wants to come live with us, but I'll get to that. So, here..... I'm gonna break this down. I find writing very cathartic.

Backpeddling on the weight loss so the aggregate is I've just been maintaining. Which is not bad. Maintaining is better than gaining, I just keep having to scale my goals back and that depresses me. The ultimate goal is being met, I am losing and maintaining and not putting back on, it's just soooooooo slow. And I can say, now that the holiday eating season is over, thank the gods, that my overall weight results were - from Nov 22 to Jan 4th, I LOST 2.6lbs. I am damn proud of that. So, I guess I need to get my head right about it. In 11 months and 15 some odd days I've taken off 10 years of weight plus a little extra. I have many days where I struggle, but I am getting it done. And slow is supposed to be the watchword, right? So that my skin can recover, right?

Next, I'm facing my 7th year of infertility. Yes, I have a child, but I wanted more. The infertility was 'non-specific' as best they could determine with non-invasive testing. I was ovulating normally, regular periods, husband's sperm was okay. Thought it might be due to my obesity, but I've always found that argument iffy. Look around you at the fat women with litters if you wonder why I think that. I did suffer from endometriosis for quite a long time and do have a lot of damage to one ovary. It could be I simply ran out of viable eggs too soon. Part of the reason I started the weight loss in the first place was a final attempt to have kids. Which my husband is now not sure about. We are both very close to 40 and I understand his concerns. We both had older parents than our friends and it was not something we wanted to repeat with our kids. Money and time are also issues. They are valid concerns. My want to have another child has nothing to do with logic - it's the one part of my lizard brain that is REALLY overactive. I'm to the point now where I see pregnant women and little babies everywhere and spend a lot time trying not to cry in Wal-Mart restrooms. Probably has a lot to do with hormones too. Add to the mix I have started having horrible period this last 12 months. Like the ones I used to have pre-baby. Incapacitating ones like I had when I had ovarian cysts. It was so horrible last month I thought I was having a miscarriage. I didn't really think I was, it was just that bad. This month is shaping up to be that bad again, if today is any indication. Could be peri-menopause, though I don't really have a family history for early menopause - my sister is 45 and has almost no symptoms - my grandma had her 8th baby at 44 *after* having had her tubes tied! Wish I had her damn aggressive ovaries! Could be a reoccurence of endometriosis. Hell, could be the results of all the alien experimentation after they kidnapped me. It all involves the gynecologist and invasive tests (well, *I* consider being spread open with a plastic shoehorn and having tissue scraped out with a metal mascara wand invasive), something I try really hard to avoid.

Next, I'm having mid-life crisis issues. Sort of. I really want to finish my BA. I dropped out of college after 3 semesters for a stupid reason and blew a full scholarship. I am finally living in a place that has a degree program that I am interested in and I would love to have a Masters in Costuming (okay, it would be from UNLV, not one of the well-known textile institutions, snort, but I will take what I can get) but it's gonna involve a lot of grant and scholarship gyrations I'm not sure I'm up for, plus putting up with some pre-requisite classes I'm not too jazzed about - I don't *want* to take a science, a lab, and a PE to have a damn history degree! But then again, I think it's stupid and childish to *not* have a history BA because I don't want to take PE. Sheesh. And the fuckload of grey hair is not helping. I am trying really hard to be one of those strong strong women who has lots of grey hair at a young age and doesn't dye it and tells modern American society to fuck off. It's part of my family heritage and I'm really, REALLY trying to be strong and embrace it, but dammit, I do live in 21st century America and it does niggle at me. At least I haven't lost any weight in my bewbs yet. Thank the lord. They are small enough as it is.

And now... my husband and son are doing Weight Watchers with me. I am very conflicted about this. My husband wants to lose 10 lbs. The less said, the better. He's determined to have a cut 6-pack by his 40th birthday next year. He's a serious health nut, runs, lifts weights, has very low bodyfat, etc. but has a little spare around the middle that's driving him crazy. So he wants to shave off another 10 lbs to get his body fat really low so he can get that 6-pack. So now he's driving me crazy with the points counting and wanting help. I put my son on it too, he's old enough now. He starts junior high this fall and while I am not trying to make him do anything crazy, I'm trying to teach him to eat better and look at food in a better way that I ever did. He's scheduled for another growth spurt this year (he's already started - almost an inch and a half in the last month) and I'm mainly hoping just to keep him from gaining any weight while he grows, so that by this time next year, he'll be at a healthy weight. We've also added a lot of family exercise to our week. But, I'm fairly certain, that when it takes my husband 8 days to lose the 10 lbs, it will be very hard for me not to knife him in his sleep.

Last, my dad asked in November if he could come and live with us this year. I'll expound on it another day...But he'll be 75 this year and is having some health problems. Plus, he can't drive at night anymore and lives in the middle of freaking nowhere and it's a 100 mile round trip for him to see his heart dr. Before, he only had to do it every 3 months or so, but now he's going a couple of times a month and it involves overnight in a hotel since he can't drive at night. If my husband takes him as a military dependent, it would solve a lot of problems. But it would mean moving downtown again AND living with a cranky old man. I know in my heart what my duty and responsibilities are, but I'm going to allow myself one delicious day of wallowing in self pity and then I move on.

I already feel a little better. These are all conquerable things that I MUST keep in perspective. I need to print up huge pictures of Meryl Streep from the 'Devil Wear's Prada' and Glenn Close from 'Le Divorce'. They look hot in their grey hair in those movies.... I am relatively healthy, as are my son and husband and immediate family. I have a good life. We are safe. We have food and transportation and books and occasionally money to blow and a collection of very dumb animals that we adore. Soon, Bush won't be president any longer, ever again, amen. I have lots of things to look forward to in 2008, like getting below a size 20 for good and embroidering an Elizbethan jacket and getting my website off the ground. And getting to go to Alaska this year on a Thunderbird trip. That will be cool. So I will hang in there and get over myself and not go on a Zoloft prescription again. I will, however, get the gynecologist appt made and get my hormones figured out, dammit.

Okay, so I don't rank myself with Academy Award winning actresses, but a girl's gotta have role models. A friend took a nice picture of me at Christmas, but she hasn't sent me the pic yet - I've lost another 20lbs since this pic....at least it was taken in Ireland. Smirk.